Total pages in book: 94
Estimated words: 91363 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 457(@200wpm)___ 365(@250wpm)___ 305(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 91363 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 457(@200wpm)___ 365(@250wpm)___ 305(@300wpm)
I wasn’t going to have sex with Matt for the first time on our wedding night. Instead, I’d lose my virginity on a random Saturday night after Chinese food.
“Brett, this is Gabby,” Matt introduced me to one of his roommates, while taking my hand to lead me up the stairs.
“Hey,” Brett said without taking his eyes off the television.
“Do you think this is a good idea with one of your roommates here?” I whispered as we reached the top of the stairs.
Matt chuckled. “He doesn’t care. Trust me, he doesn’t think I’m bringing you up here to study.”
Matt was steady and cool while my bones rattled, and my hands felt clammy. He closed the bedroom door behind us, and I turned in a slow circle. There were baseball posters on the walls, a cluttered desk in the corner, a dresser covered with trophies and dust, and a bed with messy sheets.
He drew the window shades, then turned toward me, toeing off his tennis shoes. “I love it when you blush.”
I pressed a shaky hand to my cheek. Calling it a blush was like calling a volcano a bonfire.
“I know you might have imagined this, but I never did.” He slid his hand into my hair and ducked his head to kiss my neck. “Such an unexpected surprise,” he whispered between kisses.
My breaths quickened.
His hands and mouth felt good, but the guilt felt bad.
I closed my eyes and tried to think only about the good, but every time his hands moved to a part of my body that no man had ever touched, shame overshadowed everything.
He kissed my mouth and guided my hand to his jeans, rubbing it along his erection. I kept my fingers straight and stiff. Did he want me to massage it?
Why was it so difficult? Was I overthinking it like the time I asked Ben to show me how to kiss? My mind skipped to the second time Ben kissed me. I didn’t overthink that. In fact, I didn’t think at all. I just kissed him.
I felt desired and safe, and that made me feel like a real woman.
Kissing Matt deeper, I wrapped my arms around his neck. He grabbed my butt, squeezing it like he was teetering on the edge of control. Nerves of anticipation mixed with the euphoria of physical desire were a heady combination.
He dragged his lips from my mouth to my neck again while sliding his hand up my shirt.
“Gabby,” he mumbled.
“Ben,” I said in a breathy voice.
He froze.
I opened my eyes. Why was he stopping?
With a soft chuckle, he stepped backward and rested one hand on his hip while his other hand pinched the bridge of his nose.
“What’s wrong?” I curled my hair behind my ears.
Again, he released a little laugh while shaking his head. “You said Ben.”
“What? When?”
He dropped his hand and looked at me. “I said your name, and you replied with Ben’s name.”
“No, I didn’t.”
He nodded slowly. “You did. And that’s okay. I’m not upset. It’s just sex. You haven’t hurt my delicate feelings or anything like that. But given our family history, I feel a little more responsible for you than if you were just some other girl. And if you’re with me but saying some other guy’s name, I think there’s a high probability that you’ll regret this. We’re friends. I don’t want to be that asshole friend.”
I was usually a good listener. Even when I wrote poems about Matt in the margins of my Bible, I still listened to my dad’s sermons at the same time. But after Matt told me I said Ben’s name, I didn’t register another word he said.
It made no sense. If anything, when Ben kissed me, I should have said Matt’s name because he was my dream.
“I’m …” I shook my head. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean—”
“Gabby,” Matt pulled me into his arms while mine remained limp at my sides, “don’t apologize. I’m not mad.”
Well, I was mad. Mad at myself for letting Ben kiss me and get into my head. Mad at Ben for not writing me back since he went home. Mad at Matt for being too nice.
Yes. I was mad at him for being too nice.
I laughed out loud at that thought. Then I laughed some more.
Matt released me, squinting. “What’s so funny?”
I covered my mouth to muffle my amusement. An unexpected hysteria robbed my composure. Matt returned a hesitant grin, like he wanted to laugh with me, but he didn’t know what was so funny.
“I’m here for you,” I said between giggles. “I could have gotten a psychology degree anywhere, like in Missouri. But no. I had to chase you. So I took out a big loan to come here for you.” I weaved my fingers through my hair and turned my back to him. “I thought Sarah was so stupid for not choosing you, yet I was relieved, because my crush on you was larger than life. Do you have any idea how many poems I’ve written about you? I dreamed of this moment for so long. Of course, it was our wedding night, but still, you have been my dream forever.”