Total pages in book: 94
Estimated words: 91363 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 457(@200wpm)___ 365(@250wpm)___ 305(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 91363 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 457(@200wpm)___ 365(@250wpm)___ 305(@300wpm)
I curled my fingers through hers again and squeezed her hand, but I didn’t open my eyes because my stupid emotions got the best of me. My mind scrambled to make plans. What could I do to be the man she deserved? If I wasn’t going to be a conductor, maybe I could be an accountant and sit in an office by myself, feeding numbers into a calculator. It would be a soulless job, but if Gabby were mine, who cared? Of course, I’d have to go back to college, learn sign language, make sure everyone knew I was deaf. I wouldn’t be able to talk to her on the phone. If she needed me, too bad. She’d have to come find me. Would I hear her knock on my door? Of course not. I’d be pretty useless at protecting her and being there for her.
However, there was a perfectly capable guy in the front of the church who could give her everything.
Gabby glanced at me when I released her hand and rubbed my face. Every time I tried to imagine a life without hearing, my heart raced, I became restless like I was crawling out of my skin, and I started to sweat.
We were too close. Everything was too close. Too packed in. Too suffocating.
I pulled at my ears and pursed my lips to slow my breathing, but nothing helped. I needed out. With a shaky hand, I grabbed the back of the pew in front of me and stood, wedging my way past legs and purses on the floor. Then I ran out of the church, gasping for air as I tipped my head back and fisted my shirt over my heart.
Warm arms wrapped around me from behind. I knew it was Gabby, but I didn’t want her there, seeing me lose my shit.
“Just go, Gabby.” I fought for my next breath. “I … I can’t do this. Go inside. Go b-back to school. Go be with Matt. I can’t be what you need. Don’t ask me to try. I can’t. I’m … I’m fucked-up. Just go.”
She stepped around in front of me and reached for my face, but I batted her hands away.
“Go! No. I don’t want this for you.” I shook my head and stepped back to keep her from touching me.
She slid her hands along her sides, like she had pockets, but she didn’t.
No pockets.
No notepad.
No pen.
“I know you love me.” I swallowed hard because I didn’t want to cry in front of her. My inability to hold myself together was emasculating enough. “I know. And I love you too. But it’s not enough. I would hate myself for disappointing you.”
She shook her head over and over, stepping toward me.
“No!” I held up my hands. “I’m sorry. I’m so very sorry. Life is unfair.” I paced back and forth, trying to expend some energy from all the nerves in my body that felt like they were misfiring. “It’s … it’s cruel. And love doesn’t conquer everything. Not this. I’m sorry. I want it too. I do. But I also want to rewind my life so I can do something to not get sick. And I want to hear again. I want to feel normal. But I don’t.” I wiped my eyes, angry that my emotions were stronger than my will not to cry in front of her.
“I don’t feel normal, Gabby. I will never feel that way again. I will never stop hating my life and hating myself for being so weak when other people who have been through far worse are brave and resilient. You deserve a strong person who will protect you, who you can call if you need them, who will hear you if you yell fire or help or rape! But that’s not me. I’m too fucking weak!” I bent over, resting my hands on my legs, then I slowly dropped to my knees.
While I shook with emotion, I readied myself for Gabby’s touch, and when I felt it, I dropped my hands and batted her away again, only it wasn’t her. It was my mom, and Gabby was nowhere in sight.
“I don’t want this life,” I said, but I couldn’t tell if she heard me because I didn’t try to say it aloud.
As tears filled her eyes and spilled over with a single blink, I knew she heard me. I was twice as big as my mom, but the second she kneeled in front of me and wrapped her arms around my neck, I fell apart in her embrace.
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
EARTHA KITT, “SANTA BABY”
Gabby
Eve and Kyle spent Christmas with his family, so Matt’s parents stayed in her bedroom. Matt slept in Sarah’s room with Isaac, and Sarah slept with me because my parents wouldn’t let Isaac and Sarah sleep in the same bed, even though they lived together.