Total pages in book: 113
Estimated words: 107660 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 538(@200wpm)___ 431(@250wpm)___ 359(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 107660 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 538(@200wpm)___ 431(@250wpm)___ 359(@300wpm)
Or…I could tell the truth; a truth I hadn’t said out loud in seven years. A truth I’d only said once when I had to.
My head swam.
A hollow, empty space gaped in my chest, pulling me in on myself.
I stared into the shadows surrounding him, finding his eyes in the darkness as I imagined saying the words. My heart thundered, a drudging pulse in my ears, and I wondered, why did I want to tell, when I never wanted to tell anyone?
Black crept around the edges, reminding me to breathe.
I sucked in a whoosh of air and ripped the Band-Aid off.
“My boyfriend in high school recorded us having sex without me knowing and sold the videos to his friends as porn.”
His jaw tightened. “What the fu—”
Knowing I wouldn’t finish the whole story if I stopped for his reaction, I pushed through to the end. “I didn’t realize it until one night after a party we were all sitting on his couch in the basement watching a movie. We started fooling around. Just kissing and over the clothes touches. He pushed for more and said I could be on top, that way no one would see anything under my skirt. At the time, I was buzzed and liked the idea of exhibitionism. Except, the other guys started masturbating and making comments about how it was so much better to watch in person. They talked about how they couldn’t wait to see me go wild in person when I came. I tried to stop and ask him what was going on, but he pinned me on the floor, demanding I orgasm. When I wouldn’t, he said he owed them a show one way or another. He tore my shirt and bra off and kept going.”
His features didn’t shift.
His lips didn’t turn down.
His brows didn’t pinch.
Nothing.
Yet, everything around him changed.
If I thought he was darkness before, it didn’t compare to the depths of black pouring off him now. As if he created the shadows himself and not the lack of light. “What happened after that?” The graveled question slipped through statuesque lips.
I swayed—his heavy stare mixing with the heavy weight of the memories. Needing an added layer between us, I blinked and looked away before finishing. “When he finished, he pulled out and came on my chest. He held me down and offered the same to the rest of them. His best friend accepted. The other two declined. He finally let me up, and I rushed to the bathroom to clean off. When I came out, they told me how he sold videos of us having sex and that I was famous among the guys in our school for my epic orgasms. They made jokes, wondering if all Hispanic women were wild and loud in bed. They said no wonder my dad married my mom if she was anything like me.” I sucked in another breath and forced myself to look up. “Either way, I stopped orgasming after that. At first, I didn’t want to, but then when I tried on my own, I couldn’t.”
A muscle ticked along his jaw.
His throat rose and fell over a painful looking swallow.
His chest moved with an extended inhale and a slow, controlled exhale.
His eyes twitched.
I catalogued each action, waiting for what came next.
“Did you press charges?” he asked.
I hesitated, hating my answer, but knowing why it happened. “I didn’t want anyone in my father’s world to find out. I didn’t want my father to find out. But I also couldn’t do nothing. I couldn’t let the videos continue to float around and wonder if they’d pop up online or something. So, I went to my dad’s lawyer and begged for his help and to keep it private. He worked with a friend from another firm, and they managed to remove and destroy every video. They went to my boyfriend’s parents and ensured that my boyfriend complied with whatever they needed, promising legal action if he didn’t. His parents sent him to some reform school after that.” I huffed a laugh. “Even with the videos gone though, guys still remembered them and would make comments. I got very good at defending myself from assholes who thought knowing about the videos gave them some right to my body.”
Lucian didn’t laugh.
He barely blinked.
If it hadn’t been for his white-knuckled fist on the wheel, I would’ve assumed he was a statue.
“I’m sorry I pushed you tonight,” he finally said.
My stomach churned—his words hitting me like a sucker punch. “What? No. No.”
“What?” His brows furrowed, taking in my pinched face.
“No. Don’t apologize. You didn’t make me do anything. You didn’t push anything,” I almost shouted. “I chose to be on that stage, and I would choose it again and again.”
“But—”
“No buts. Maybe I freaked out a little bit, but I am trying to figure this out because it’s all new to me.” I laughed, tossing my hands up and slapping them back on my thighs. “Do you know how many times I actually tried to orgasm? It’s like I lost a part of myself. I lost my ability to be with someone. Hell, sometimes I force myself just to feel some form of intimacy. But I can’t even do that right. No, I have to take control because I’ve forgotten what it is to let go. Yet here you are making me come on accident and then almost making me come again—which I didn’t see happening or plan for so, I didn’t even consider what my reaction would be,” I rambled. “It then left me shocked because I sure as hell didn’t expect it. And now, it’s pissing me off because I thought I left that shit in the past, but apparently, I didn’t, and I don’t like feeling like that asshole somehow takes up any more of my life. But even if he does, I won’t let it leave me scared to be me. And I wanted to be on that stage tonight. So don’t apologize.”