Total pages in book: 55
Estimated words: 50801 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 254(@200wpm)___ 203(@250wpm)___ 169(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 50801 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 254(@200wpm)___ 203(@250wpm)___ 169(@300wpm)
And Paxton? He’s talked about wanting to get married and have kids someday since we were teenagers.
There’s no way I would mess with his dreams by asking him to be with me but not in a way that would eventually lead us down the aisle. It would be too painful on both ends.
And even with Liam, as not serious as things were him, he’d still found a way to hurt me. Of course, he didn’t know about my triggers or abandonment issues or my problems with crowds because he’d never taken a minute to ask me about anything beyond surface-level stuff. Which was ironic, since he constantly talked about marriage and kids and white picket fences.
Should I have waited until we'd gotten back to the safety of my apartment before breaking things off? Probably. But I honestly didn't believe he’d be so angry with me that he’d leave me stranded without a car. He probably assumed I’d call somebody to pick me up or grab a Lyft…he couldn't have known the panic attack he set off, but it doesn't exactly excuse his actions, either.
The memory of Paxton finding me, his eyes meeting mine, his hands on my face as he pulled me to him, rushes through me. A succession of warm tendrils spirals beneath my skin, making me feel all sorts of things.
Safe being one of them.
Just like I’d felt safe enough to fall asleep in his arms. He could’ve moved me off of him last night, he knows how deep of a sleeper I am. He could’ve gone to his bed in the middle of the night, but he didn't. And I hate that my mind lingers on the reasoning behind it, that nagging thought that's plagued me for so many years—does he feel the same way as I do? The need? The longing? The electricity whenever our bodies touch?
Even if he did, I’ll only let him down. Paxton deserves someone who will be just as excited for marriage and kids someday as he is, and that just isn’t me. Besides, he’s the one person in this entire world that I can’t lose, and if I tell him how I really feel, it’ll change things between us, quite possibly enough to end our friendship.
Paxton stretches, his muscles clenching and relaxing from the motion before he opens his eyes. He glances around before seeing me sitting there next to him, and the smile that spreads across his face is breathtaking. It makes my heart flip, and my breath catch.
I quickly stand up, flashing him an apologetic look. “I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable last night. I doubt you sleep on your couch often.”
“You didn't make me uncomfortable,” he says, chuckling softly as he stretches again.
“If I did,” I say, “I can give you free body work. If you have any cramps or anything. I know it's off-season, but the last thing I want is to mess you up in some way.”
Paxton sits up, his hands sliding into mine as he shakes his head. “You didn't hurt me,” he says. “I'm just glad you were able to get some sleep.”
“I feel like a new woman,” I admit, then motion to the guest bedroom where the bathroom inside is calling my name.
I hurry into it, brushing my teeth and washing my face, trying to get a hold of my racing thoughts. If I stood out there much longer, I would’ve been very tempted to fall right back into his arms and ask him to hold me until I felt completely solid again.
And he’d do it, too. I know he would. Paxton has never failed to help me, and I’ve always made sure I’m there for him, but he always seems so much more put together and solid in his life than I do. He’s always been that way, even when we were kids. Confident yet humble, chill yet perceptive. I think that's why he was drawn to me when we were younger, not because of the forced proximity due to our parents’ friendship, but because I brought the kind of chaos into his life that only an extrovert like myself could.
And now here I am, doing it again. Crashing in his house because I can’t live in my apartment anymore.
A sense of loss sweeps over me at that thought as I see to my needs and get dressed for the day. I loved that apartment. I’d worked my ass off for it. It was my first place after college, and now I’m going to lose it because I’m the foolish girl who dated a guy who lived next door.
Of course, I hadn't known he lived next to me in the beginning, but still. That’s on me. I should’ve known Liam wouldn't be okay with casual, but he'd been so different in the beginning. So kind and insightful and fun.