Total pages in book: 113
Estimated words: 110113 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 551(@200wpm)___ 440(@250wpm)___ 367(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 110113 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 551(@200wpm)___ 440(@250wpm)___ 367(@300wpm)
“So y’all share custody, too.”
“Kind of.” He hesitates. “Her career started to take off not long after Ella was born. She’s actually touring with some pretty big names in country music right now. It was an opportunity I wouldn’t let her turn down.”
“Of course you didn’t,” I say, my own heart beginning to pound.
Sawyer is decent to a fault. Even when it leaves him holding the proverbial bag.
“So, yeah, I’ve been on my own with Ella for the past year,” he continues, reading my thoughts. “Even before then, I was always the primary parent. Lizzie … her home life growing up wasn’t the best. Her family’s still a mess. We decided it was best that Ella live with me. Which I love. I always wanted to be a dad. I just—yeah, wish I didn’t have to do it alone.” He sniffles.
I flatten my palm over Sawyer’s heart, the sting in my eyes almost too much to bear. “Oh, honey.”
“It’s fine.” He reaches up to wipe his eyes. “Ella really did change my life for the better.”
“You’re an incredible dad.”
“Thank you.” He curls my hair behind my ear. “But now I’m almost thirty and—wow, I can’t believe I’m saying this out loud—”
“This is gonna be juicy, isn’t it?” I ask with a smile.
He laughs, a rumble that sends sparks flying down my spine. “You really wanna know?”
“I really wanna know.”
His fingers go still on my cheek. “Ava, I don’t know if I’ve ever been in love.”
It’s all I can do not to gasp. “Really?”
“Really. I’m worried—sometimes I think I’m gonna die without knowing what that’s like, falling for someone so completely that it takes over your life. I’ve always believed that kind of love—the kind my parents had—is what makes life living. Now, the love I have for my daughter—that’s its own thing. Deep and wonderful and just, yeah, mind-blowing in its own way. But I still feel like something’s missing. I want to commit to someone.” He pauses. “I want someone to commit to me. None of that wishy-washy bullshit I’ve experienced in the past. I want the real deal—in sickness, health, all of it. I’m ready, Ava.”
My heart cramps. What a beautiful thought.
What beautiful insight he has into his heart of hearts.
But where the hell does this leave us? Sawyer wants commitment. I want freedom.
I don’t know what to say.
I wasn’t joking when I asked Sawyer why he hasn’t been swooped up yet by a beautiful woman with a thing for cute cowboys.
Really, why is Sawyer alone?
Sounds like it’s not for a lack of trying on local girls’ parts. Lizzie tried, and I’ve seen the way the other moms check him out at pickup and drop-off. He could definitely find someone if he just opened his eyes and tried.
Maybe that’s it. Sawyer doesn’t let himself try.
He doesn’t let himself do much of anything except be a good dad, a good brother.
Great first date.
“I know you’re ready,” I manage, tapping my finger on the center of his chest. “It’s what you deserve, Sawyer.”
“I also want Ella to grow up in the kind of house I did,” he continues. “My childhood was magic. I loved having all that space, all my brothers. My family gave me a real sense of belonging and connection. We all had our parts to play, you know? I’d love to give Ella some siblings.”
“Bet she’ll end up having plenty of cousins?”
“One can hope, yeah. I still worry about her being on her own. If something happens to me …”
Tears leak out of my eyes and onto Sawyer’s shirt. “I get that. I worry about Junie being on her own too. My sisters are my best friends. And it’s such a lifesaver having their help in dealing with my parents. I couldn’t imagine doing it alone.”
His thumb arcs over my arm. “But?”
“But bringing babies earthside is no small task. I don’t—” I suck in a breath, feeling hollowed out by confronting all these hard truths. “I lost so much of myself during that time trying to keep my baby and my marriage alive. It’s hard to think about going back there.”
He’s quiet for a long beat. I feel like this is the stage of the date where things kind of fall apart and we glumly agree to go our separate ways, disappointed that we’re not compatible.
Really, disappointed that the universe failed yet again to put us in the way of someone who lights us up.
Thing is, though, Sawyer does light me up. He gets it.
He gets me. And I think my gut, my center, my soul—whatever you want to call it—is actually coming around to that fact.
None of this makes any sense in the context of what we each consider happiness. For him, it’s a wife, kids, commitment. For me, it’s freedom and self-discovery.
Ultimately, though, don’t we both want our lives to be filled with love? Don’t we both want to love and be loved in return? I think we share the belief that love makes life worth living. There are different types of love, of course. Love for your kids. Love for your friends, your parents, your siblings.